Why do people, usually a potential date, ask this in the first place?
On the surface, it’s a compliment, I guess, because this person is essentially saying you seem like a good catch, but deep down it’s really a pointless question to ask. The fact remains that people in general, whether young or old, are single at different times in their life. It happens, so instead of asking why, take advantage of someone’s singleness. Also, depending on who it’s coming from, the question might actually be an insult, as in saying “What’s wrong with you, why does no one want to be with you?”
I’ve gotten this question myself quite a few times. The first couple of times I was taken off guard and didn’t exactly know what to answer. But since then I have prepared a safe answer for it, which leads me to…
There are an array of reasons why someone could be single, ranging from obvious reasons to it’s better not to know reasons. But really, why would you be single? Obviously you’re not going to put yourself down and disclose your negative characteristics, instead you might say:
- “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”
- “I don’t feel ready for a relationship at the moment.”
- “I don’t have time for a relationship.” or
“I’m way too busy to be in a relationship.”
- “I’m casually dating multiple people, and don’t want to settle down with one.”
- “I’m not the dating type.”
But no matter what, I think the universal safe answer for anyone and everyone is: “I just haven’t met the right person yet.”
Perhaps 50% of the time it’s not that we’re not mentally ready or willing to date, it’s simply that we haven’t met someone who we find to be not just a good catch, but also a good match. The other 50%, let’s face it, it’s that we are difficulty, greedy, and picky… or is that just me? I digress.
I think that if we met someone who we like head over heels, and from head to heels, we would probably do everything possible to make it work no matter what, and if the timing is right, then everything should fall into place. In other cases, if there’s any doubt in either our attraction or compatibility to someone, we might make up an excuse for why we can’t keep seeing them or why we can’t be official.
The tricky part in all of this is finding that person who we find worthy of consuming our time, of requiring our attention, and, ultimately, of suffering for. In the meantime, you should avoid asking this question to anyone you’re dating or are trying to date. Just a suggestion…
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” – Bob Marley
Another season of The Bachelor is over, and of course the bachelor picked the one woman everyone tried to warn him about. I give them a few months…
Once upon a time, I’m a little embarrassed to say, I used to watch each season in its entirety. I stopped because I got tired of watching the same people be recycled from one season to another. It went something like this: one guy was the bachelor and had 25 women to choose from, one of the women he didn’t choose went on to be the new bachelorette with 25 men to choose from, one of the men she didn’t choose went on to be the new bachelor with 25 new women, and so on and so forth. This cycle has repeated itself about a dozen times now. Personally, I would prefer it if they chose a new person for each season that has no connection to the previous season(s).
Regardless, that’s not the main reason I stopped watching. I stopped watching because the show has lost its course. When it first began it was focused on giving people the opportunity to find a romantic match and a happily ever after. However as the years and seasons have gone by, the show has become more about stirring the drama, causing scandalous moments, and giving us the most shocking rose ceremony ever. Sure, everyone likes to watch juicy TV moments, but at some point these moments stop being tolerable, especially given the purpose of the show.
It’s difficult to take the show seriously when A) the people being selected are kind of cuckoo, B) there’s always the one contestant that comes in with a bad agenda, C) people can come and go as they like for a second chance, and D) the biggest one of them all, only one couple out of all the seasons has had a real success story. The show doesn’t really work anymore, so to speak, since people don’t stay together or engaged for much time. I think part of the problem is that all of the parties involved go into it convinced that they’re going to fall in love, so in that sense, the relationships are being forced.
Don’t get me wrong though, if they had a gay version of this show I would totally apply for it. In fact there has been at least one other dating show that was for the gay community, but that one was even more screwed up because it purposely inserted (no pun) three straight guys into the mix and made the gay bachelor think they were actually gay. But I digress. My point is, I’m jealous of the process and of the activities they get to do on The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Despite the drama, it looks like they have fun half of the time with all of the romantic dates, unique activities, traveling, exotic locations, and fantasy suites. For example, this past season I did manage to catch one episode where they got to hike up the Bay Bridge; that would be so cool to do!
Anyways, the individuals involved are not given a fair opportunity to find love anymore. The show is no longer as innocent and as honest as it used to be, and I’m surprised it’s still on the air. Producers, it’s time to go back to what this show used to be!
So far in my time as a blogger, I have been posting quotes, music related content, and my thoughts on different topics, but nothing really personal. So I thought maybe it was time to share a story of mine.
Back when I wrote Pant-less Public Parade, I said:
“Have you ever been caught without your pants? I have, by accident. But that’s a story for another day…”
Well, the day has come.
I’m not sure if those who read the post thought I was kidding, because I wasn’t. I really have been caught without my pants on. Thankfully though, I was at least wearing underwear.
Allow me to recap.
The guy I dated for most of last year decided to cook for me one time (actually more than once, but I think this was the first time), or should I say cook with me, since I had to help. I honestly thought I would just show up and start eating. I was clearly mistaken. The preparation and process was fairly simple, and the food was delicious! This dinner was on a Saturday night.
This individual had a roommate, who was supposed to be gone for the weekend and was not expected to be back until late Sunday night or possibly Monday. Here I thought, “Perfect!” Sadly, I was, yet again, mistaken.
The following morning (Sunday), I was up early, as I usually am, and couldn’t fall back to sleep. At first, I had an agenda. Once that was completed, someone wanted to go back to sleep, and it wasn’t me. I thought “Fine, I’ll just get up and do the dishes.” There’s nothing wrong with that, right? Are you still keeping track of the number of times I’ve been mistaken? Tally is now at 3.
I get up to go get started with the dishes. Because I thought we would be alone, I didn’t think it was necessary to put anything on. After a second thought, I decided to at least wear underwear. I’m literally not even out there for a minute, before I hear the main door crack open. The small kitchen is practically the center of the whole apartment and is on the way to the roommate’s room. I was frozen on the spot.
Now, I’m not sure if the situation was more embarrassing for me because I hadn’t previously met the roommate and was out there by myself, or if maybe it would have been just as embarrassing had I already met him. Despite that, the roommate was not alone. They had their sister or friend or girlfriend with them. The more the merrier, I suppose. As they walk by me all I could think to say was “Hi. Sorry.” They walk by and kind of just nod but don’t say anything. Needless to say, I did not wash the dishes and instead went back to the bedroom to hide.
I should also mention that this guy had not told his roommate that he’s gay. So, as embarrassing as it was for me, I could eventually leave and get out of there, while this guy still had to address the obvious with his roommate. But from what I heard the roommate had no issues with anything.
In hindsight, this story is much more funny than embarrassing, and it really isn’t that crazy of a story. If I had been naked, then that would have made for a juicier story. Regardless, it was an awkward morning for me. Moral of the story: don’t offer to do the dishes OR make sure to wear more clothing if the person you’re dating has a roommate.
- lacking depth of intellect or knowledge; concerned only with what is obvious
Being shallow gives someone a bad reputation, and I’m not sure why. Everyone is shallow. At one point or another we are all concerned with someone’s outside appearance more so than anything else, though, hopefully that’s only temporarily.
Is shallowness a bad thing? I’m thinking, no. Here’s why:
- Physical attractiveness is relative.
Shallowness is associated with being interested only in attractive people. But if you’re shallow, it simply means you focus on the outside appearance. We seek out potential partners that fit our physical preferences based on their appearance. Whether that appearance is attractive or not, is another issue. And even then, what is attractive to one person won’t always be attractive to another.
- Helps ease the dating process.
Shallowness is a natural part of courtship, and quite frankly necessary. We can give every person a glance, but we can’t possibly give every person a chance. It would be impossible to try to date every person we cross paths with, simply because we might have things in common. Certainly what’s on the inside is what’s most important, but what’s on the outside helps to considerably narrow down the dating pool in the beginning.
- It’s as natural as natural selection.
We are drawn to those who can best meet our physical needs and desires so that we can reach personal gratification. If those needs and desires are not met, the chances of straying away from our partners would be higher. There’s no point in dating someone who won’t make us fully happy in our relationship because we’ll end up seeking someone else instead (note: I don’t mean cheating, but simply leaving a partner to search for another).
I guess the controversy over shallowness arises because one’s appearance is not the complete package, and to be liked or disliked based only on that is not completely fair. But the reality is, our appearance has a heavy influence on others’ willingness to date us.
My emphasis here is that being shallow should not necessarily be thought of as being interested only in good looking people. “Good looking” can be observed differently by different individuals. Shallowness is more of the concern over someone’s appearance (e.g. height, muscles, curves, tattoos, piercings, etc.), more so than anything else. Ideally, that concern would only be during the initial meet and greet phase, and eventually the focus would shift to inner characteristics.
Have you ever dated someone who exposed you to a new place that had some sort of significance for the two of you and then you stopped seeing each other? The problem is you liked that particular place and wish to continue going, but in a way it feels a little wrong to still go without them… just a little bit. After all, if it weren’t for them, you might not have learned about or discovered this place.
Depending on the type of break-up (amicable, doubtful, non-existent, or unpleasant), you’ll know whether running into this ex is manageable for you (or not) and whether it would be awkward (or not). If amicable (i.e. remained friendly and on speaking terms), then there would be no problem having to see this person again. If unpleasant (i.e. it was nasty and you hate each other), then presumably the last thing you would want is to have to see this person again. In those two cases, it’s easy to make a decision. However, if the break-up was doubtful (i.e. you weren’t sure if you should break up) or non-existent (i.e. one of you just disappeared on the other), then running into them would be somewhat tense and awkward but not the worst thing in the world. So, should you take the risk of running into them and continue going to this location?
Some things to consider:
- How much did both of you like the place?
If you or they liked it, then certainly either of you will want to go again. If neither of you liked it, then avoiding it will be fairly easy.
- What kind of place is it?
A one-of-a-kind, a difficult-to-find, or an off-the-wall place complicates things. In my opinion, the more unique the place is the more memorable and/or notable it is for a certain aspect, which was probably the reason why you two went in the first place. A city staple, a franchise-type business, or a well known site may still have some significance, but it’s probably too common and/or popular to make it that much more individually significant.
- Where is the place located? Size of it?
A place closer to you is good. A place closer to them is not so good. A place in between both of you or away from both of you is open to interpretation. Size matters too, a larger location is better than a smaller space as it gives you more area to disperse in (e.g. Pier 39 in San Francisco vs. a small intimate restaurant).
- Why are you going? Length of visit?
Going because you have to for whatever reason that may be (e.g. errand related, school related, work related, etc) cannot be avoided. However, going because you want to (e.g. date related, fun related, tour related, etc) can be avoided, and may be a smarter route to take. Whichever the case, the amount of time you spend there will also matter; the quicker you get out, the better.
- Who are you going with?
If you’re going alone, there’s not much to worry about. If you’re going with friends, then that seems safe enough. But going with a new date? That would make a potential run-in extremely uncomfortable.
Each of our individual circumstances will give these questions different answers and values. What’s most important is to know whether you can handle seeing this person and to have an idea on how the encounter could transpire. And of course, not every place you ever went to with your ex will have to be evaluated. Here I’m strictly referring to those places that: saw you two share nice moments, hold some level of significance for both of you, and became one of your go-to-spots.
Why am I writing about this? I recently went to a place that I like a lot (an ice cream sandwich shop called C.R.E.A.M.) that someone I dated last year took me to. It was the first time I had gone since ending things with this person (about 3 months ago), and I only went because I was in the area that day and had been desiring one of their sandwiches. While I was there, of course, I remembered the times we had previously gone together and it just felt weird to be there again. Naturally, there is an association between the person and the place, even if you have moved on. So it got me thinking on whether I should still be going there, hence this post.